Épisode Noël en haute mer S04E10 - NCIS : Los Angeles Saison 4

Un porte-avion est en pleine mer. Dans la cantine, une bagarre éclate : un type se rue sur un autre, ils sont finalement séparés pas leurs camarades. Sur le pont le premier maître ordonne à un subalterne de retrouver un disparu ; lequel est également recherché par le commandant en second, qui a entendu parler de la bagarre et veut lire son rapport. L’homme que l’on recherche est un agent du NCIS. Pendant la fouille du navire, un marin tombe sur un cadavre baignant dans son sang au pied d’une échelle...

                                                           GÉNÉRIQUE

Hetty est dans le couloir du QG quand elle entend un bruit de clochettes. Elle localise la source, et ouvre une porte derrière laquelle Nell essaie joyeusement de faire tenir un bonnet de lutin sur la tête d’Eric. Celui-ci arrache le couvre-chef en la voyant entrer et bafouille une excuse. Nell endosse la responsabilité de l’incident : elle a demandé à Eric de l’aider à distribuer des jouets dans le cadre du programme Toys for Tots, et pensé que pour les enfants ce serait mieux s’ils étaient déguisés. Mais Hetty leur dit que cela devra attendre ; ils doivent rassembler les troupes : ils viennent de perdre un des leurs...

Nell passe prévenir Kensi et Deeks ; la jeune femme décore le palmier de Noël, pendant que son équipier fait le forcing pour qu’elle l’accompagne à la montagne pendant le break de fin d’année. Comme elle refuse, envisageant de passer Noël tranquille, il la menace de finir vieille fille entourée d’une trentaine de chats. Ou alors c’est le surf des neiges qui lui fait peur. Mais Kensi a promis à sa mère de passer Noël avec elle. Du coup  Deeks invite aussi maman : il y a trois chambres, dont deux communicantes. Kensi s’offusque, surtout quand elle croit qu’il veut prendre une chambre attenante à celle de sa mère. Mais Marty voulait dire qu’elle et sa mère pourraient se voir facilement ! Du coup, Kensi est tentée d’offrir des vacances à sa maman. Mais ils doivent d’abord se rendre dans la salle des OPS.

Ensuite Nell va trouver Sam et G dans l’armurerie. Sam est en train de farfouiller dans un grand sac, sous l’œil goguenard de son copain. Nell propose son aide, ce qui fait ricaner Callen : encore faudrait-il savoir ce qu’il cherche, ou bien où il l’a fourré...Sam n’a pas voulu renouveler l’histoire du Poney de l’an dernier, et a donc demandé à sa fille, en juin, ce qu’elle voulait pour Noël. Et depuis il a oublié aussi bien ce que c’était, que l’endroit où il l’a caché. Il lui semble que c’est en rapport avec Harry Potter. G continue à se moquer : la mémoire est ce qui disparaît en premier...

L’homme mort sur l’USS Van Buren est l’agent spécial du NCIS Jason Niles. Sa blessure à la tête peut avoir été causée par la chute, ou par un coup reçu. Un suspect éventuel, le Petty Officer Allen, était mentionné dans un de ses rapports comme ayant un comportement erratique- il est d’ailleurs aux arrêts suite à la bagarre de la cantine. Le marine et lui ont été testés positifs à la cocaïne. Le navire est actuellement en route pour la mer du Japon afin de garder la Corée du Nord en ligne de mire. Hetty leur a réservé un transport pour rallier le navire. Noël attendra...au grand déplaisir de Sam.

Kensi a revêtu un uniforme de Major de la Marine (sacrément sexy selon Deeks) ; Sam est aussi en uniforme, ils se mêleront au personnel du bateau. Callen sera le remplaçant de Niles dans ses fonctions, et Deeks un civil mettant à jour les ordinateurs. Evidemment Marty trouve que « Geek » est loin de rendre justice à ses talents d’agent infiltré, mais quand Hetty lui propose un uniforme et part chercher ses ciseaux pour la coupe réglementaire, il se ravise. Leur avion est prêt ;  Sam traine un peu les pieds. Non pas parce qu’il risque de manquer Noël en famille, mais à cause de Sidorov : l’idée qu’il prenne contact avec sa femme pendant son absence l’angoisse. G lui promet qu’ils feront vite, et surtout que Sidorov ne se montrera pas d’ici là : même les truands ne veulent pas être sur la liste de méchants du père Noël...

Le vol se fait sur un C2 Greyhound, un avion de fret infatigable, et très sûr,  capable de se poser sur les porte-avions. Deeks est mort de peur et empêche tout le monde de dormir...

Dans la salle des OPS, c’est une Nell tristounette qui crayonne distraitement à moitié affalée sur la table. Eric rapporte les rapports disciplinaires des derniers mois rendus par Niles, et s’inquiète à la vue de sa collègue. Nell avoue que ne pas pouvoir aller en famille pour Noël, c’est déjà difficile, mais quand en plus la famille du boulot est absente...Eric lui promet une vraie fête ; et puis, il a accepté d’être un lutin ! Et pour la consoler, il dit oui aussi aux oreilles...

L’atterrissage se fait en douceur, et le Petty Officer Smalls, une jeune femme charmante,  les accueille. Sam connaît le chemin, il se débrouiller. G se rend à la prison avant toute chose; Kensi attend son binôme ; Deeks aura droit à une escorte en la personne de Smalls elle-même. Il ne peut s’empêcher d’apprécier, et croit même rendre Kensi jalouse. Sauf que c’est lui qui prend ombrage du compagnon qui vient chercher son équipière : grand et musclé, le lieutenant Abernathy  est beau gosse...

Callen interroge séparément les deux types qui se sont battus. Allen ne sait pas trop ce qui lui a pris, mais les marines et leurs « Oorah », comme leur manière de se croire chez eux partout, avaient fini par l’exaspérer. Jefferies confirme que les autres les provoquaient, qu’il leur avait demandé de la fermer, et qu’Allen lui avait alors sauté dessus. Ils nient formellement l’un comme l’autre avoir pris de la cocaïne. Jefferies a un alibi pour l’heure du crime mais Allen pas vraiment. En plus il savait que Niles l’avait dans le collimateur suite à une précédente bagarre (pour de la musique écoutée trop fort qui lui avait aussi porté sur les nerfs !).

Pendant ce temps, Deeks s’arrange pour semer son escorte et aller à l’endroit où le corps a été retrouvé. Il prend des photos, s’allonge sur le sol et aperçoit quelque chose coincée sous une porte. Il a à peine le temps de le ramasser avec un gant que deux marins l’interpellent ; que fait-il là ? Comme il n’a pas de réponse satisfaisante, ils décident de le retenir par la manière forte, « parce qu’un assassin revient toujours sur les lieux de son crime ». Sam qui passait par hasard vole à son secours – en lui mettant un direct dans l’estomac, afin d’accréditer la thèse qu’il prend l’affaire en main. Resté seul avec Deeks, il trouve qu’il a été vraiment rapide à se mettre dans les ennuis – mais Deeks sort sa trouvaille et dit que Niles n’est pas mort là,  que son corps a été trainé jusqu’ici...

Dans le bureau réservé à G à l’intérieur du porte-avions, Sam et Deeks écoutent Eric et Nell qui briefent leur collègue via la vidéo. Les deux marins qui ont attaqué Deeks ont eu quelques menus incidents à leur actif, mais avant que Niles ne soit nommé sur leur navire. L’un d’eux a travaillé avec Allen, c’est le seul lien qui pourrait les relier avec le mort. Callen les charge de chercher s’il y a plus. Puis il se tourne vers les autres quand Sam lui raconte ce que Deeks pense avoir découvert. Comme rien dans la zone où le corps a été trouvé ne ressemble à la blessure à la tête de Niles, et que par terre il y avait un bout d’épinard (la fameuse trouvaille) ; que les réserves sont à l’autre bout du navire ; alors Niles a été tué ailleurs (du côté des réserves) et amené là par le meurtrier sur la semelle duquel un morceau d’épinard était collé. Les autres sont sceptiques ; Marty s’énerve un peu, eux, ils n’ont rien, et Kensi non plus. Sam rigole : si, elle a trouvé un mâle– qui fait le même métier que Papa ; et comme les filles adorent leur père...

Justement, Kensi cuisine son mâle à propos de Jefferies ; mais Abernathy met la bagarre sur le compte de la nervosité de l’équipage : ils se réjouissaient  tous de rentrer à la maison, et voilà  que la mission a été prolongée brusquement. Des rugissements dans la pièce voisine les interrompent : Brown est en train d’exploser le maximum de choses avec une grosse clé à mollette ; quand Abernathy tente de s’interposer, il manque de se faire éclater la cervelle. Kensi n’a pas plus de succès. Le lieutenant essaie de téléphoner pour avoir du secours, l’appareil est arraché du mur par un Brown totalement hors de lui, qui perçoit des sons et des images  distordus. Finalement Kensi parvient à lui arracher la clé et à le maitriser avec l’aide d’Abernathy. Elle empêche que l’on touche à l’outil, ce pourrait être l’arme du crime.

Mais les analyses ne cadrent pas : pas de sang de Niles, pas d’ADN, et pas de correspondance entre la forme de la clé et la blessure. Par contre, les médecins pensent que  Brown, qui n’a toujours pas retrouvé un comportement normal, est sous l’emprise de cocaïne.

Le commandant en second du navire ne veut pas croire G quand il lui rapporte les résultats d’analyse. Il a une confiance aveugle en Brown, qu’il connaît depuis des années. Pour lui,  il n’y a pas de drogués parmi l’équipage, et Niles a été victime d’une chute. Après tout, un porte-avions est un des endroits les plus dangereux au monde, surtout pour les maladroits ou les imbéciles. Et G ferait bien de faire attention...

Du coup les agents se retrouvent le soir venu dans un coin tranquille, à l’abri des regards et des oreilles.

Sam ne fait pas grand cas des menaces du XO, qui est simplement sous pression avec toute cette affaire. Il semble que quelqu’un ait réussi à faire monter de la drogue à bord et soit en train de l’écouler. Niles avait sans doute démasqué le coupable. Sam décide de faire fouiller le bateau avec l’aide de Kensi ; G va se pencher sur les testés positifs : s’ils pensent qu’il est sur le point de résoudre l’affaire, ils pourraient avoir envie de conclure un marché. Et Deeks leur dit continuer à suivre  son indice : les épinards. G les met en garde : il est difficile de rester en contact à bord- quasi impossible de veiller les uns sur les autres. A chacun de redoubler de vigilance, ils ont déjà perdu un agent du NCIS...

Le lendemain, Kensi qui participe à la fouille avec Abernathy, le prend à part. Elle veut savoir si, à sa connaissance, beaucoup se droguent sur le bateau, ou s’il est facile d’introduire ce genre de substance à bord. Le jeune homme n’a aucune explication à ce sujet. Il se trouble, se tait. Elle lui ordonne de poursuivre. En fait, il soupçonne qu’elle n’est pas ce qu’elle prétend être, et ça le rend vraiment mal à l’aise ! Elle lui tapote gentiment la poitrine, pour qu’il se détende, à l’instant où Deeks passe dans un couloir parallèle et voit le geste. Il se cogne la tête, fait une réflexion à voix très haute afin que son équipière l’entende – et Kensi remet très vite ses mains derrière le dos dans une attitude beaucoup plus protocolaire...

 Callen, lui, s’occupe de Brown, menotté à la table d’interrogatoire. Il termine de lire son dossier, où n’apparaît aucun antécédent de violence. Le Master Chief, qui a toujours pris ses responsabilités, et celles des personnes sous son autorité, n’a aucune idée de ce qui lui est arrivé. Par contre il est certain de ne pas avoir pris de cocaïne. G vérifie ses bras, son nez, l’autre se laisse faire : il se doit d’être un exemple pour les hommes et les femmes sur le bateau et se targue de l’être. Il ne boit pas, ne fume pas, n’use d’aucune drogue ; il ne mange même pas de viande rouge ! Du coup G lui demande s’il a des ennemis. Brown ne pense pas, mais il reconnaît que parfois il y a des frictions avec les jeunes. Assez pour le piéger comme drogué, ou pire, par une overdose ? Cette idée le plonge dans le désarroi...

Pendant ce temps, Nell pose un paquet devant Eric en train de bosser dans la salle des OPS. Une paire de collants vert pomme. Des leggins, comme elle l’explique. Eric refuse catégoriquement l’idée de porter ça, qu’il qualifie de condamnation à mort si Callen, Sam ou Deeks le voit avec. Nell lui dit qu’il porte bien des pyjamas Superman ou avec des ours. Mais ce n’est pas pareil, il fait ça en privé. Là, il y aura des enfants, des photos, qui se retrouveront sur Facebook, en vidéos sur YouTube, et Sam l’appellera Elfie McBeal...Nell se renfrogne. OK, il oublie. Elle le plante là, sort à grandes enjambées, si visiblement  irritée qu’elle le laisse désemparé.

Plus tard, Callen est de nouveau dans son bureau, quand Sam entre. Cette fois ce sont 2 pilotes qui ont été empêchés de décoller pour comportement anormal. Les analyses ne sont pas encore disponibles mais ne font guère de doute. Sam n’arrive pas à croire que des pilotes de chasse de cette envergure, des hommes qui ont tout donné pour être là, puissent tout gâcher ainsi. Callen est de cet avis, tous ceux qu’il a interrogés se sont montrés exemplaires, aucun n’a demandé d’avocat, ils étaient plus préoccupés par leur carrière que par quoi que ce soit d’autre ; comme le XO ; certainement pas comme des coupables. Tout ça pourrait être un sabotage des opérations ; auquel cas, c’est un succès, les vols ayant tous été annulés.

Mais Sam a un autre sujet d’inquiétude : il n’arrive pas à joindre sa femme...

Deeks arrive dans les magasins du navire, où les deux marins qui l’avaient attaqué sont en train de réparer le tableau électrique d’un frigo sous les ordres d’un civil. Ils se montrent surpris qu’il soit encore en train de fouiner après la leçon qu’il a reçue. Mais Marty rigole : c’est lui qui a botté les fesses de Sam ! Il s’enfonce dans la réserve, et aperçoit deux valves qui correspondent à la blessure à la tête de Niles. Il les prend en photo, se dispose à l’envoyer à LA quand des pas retentissent : il est pris à la gorge par derrière, et ne parvient pas à se dégager ; il s’évanouit...

Sam fait les 100 pas dans le bureau, impatient d’avoir le rapport d’Eric qui a envoyé une voiture chez lui. G tente de le rassurer : si Sidorov avait contacté Michelle, l’alarme aurait sonné aussi bien chez eux qu’à la CIA. Eric apparaît à cet instant sur l’écran. Il n’a pas de nouvelles de la femme de Sam, mais par contre Deeks semble bien avoir trouvé l’arme du crime. Le hic c’est que Marty ne répond plus, et que donc il ne sait pas où sont ces vannes. G le charge d’alerter Kensi et de chercher sur les plans s’il peut localiser l’endroit.

Lui et Sam réfléchissent à toute vitesse : pour empoisonner le personnel, il faut passer par l’air, l’eau ou la nourriture. Si Deeks suivait ses épinards, il était sans doute dans les réserves. L’homme qui connaît le mieux le bateau, c’est Brown. G part lui montrer la photo, Sam cherche Kensi. Celle-ci est avec Abernathy, surveillant la fouille des toilettes. Elle reçoit un message de Sam qui lui dit que Deeks pourrait avoir des ennuis. Elle laisse donc le marine se charger des recherches.

Brown reconnaît les valves, destinées à la purge des tuyaux. Il y en a partout sur le navire. Y compris dans les réserves. Du coup G lui demande de le guider. Sam et Kensi se sont rejoints, et une annonce au haut-parleur leur indique où se rendre. Tous arrivent ensemble aux magasins, et croisent les deux marins. Sam leur demande s’ils ont vu « le fouineur »- celui qui lui a botté les fesses ? Oui, il trainait là. G aperçoit le civil passer avec une poubelle, il le hèle, peut-être a-t-il aussi vu Deeks. Mais l’homme ne s’arrête pas, et se met à courir, lâchant sa poubelle qui tombe en libérant son contenu : Marty ! Mains attachés dans le dos et bâillonné avec du ruban adhésif. Kensi se charge de lui pendant que les autres courent après leur suspect.

Il s’est réfugié dans une salle et les accueille à coups de feu, avant de se mettre à l’abri. G voit son ombre, et la paroi étant courbe, il tire de façon à ce que sa balle glisse sur la tôle pour se loger dans le bonhomme. Elle atteint son bras, Sam profite de sa surprise et de sa douleur pour l’achever. G est fier de son coup- Sam lui jure que c’est lui qui le lui a appris. Ce qu’il nie. A qui est la mémoire défaillante, cette fois ?

Ils sont rejoints par Deeks, Kensi, Brown et les 2 marins. Marty remercie sa partenaire, qui lui répond qu’elle ne pouvait pas laisser jeter  à la mer un bon équipier. Brown est chargé de sécuriser le cadavre du type avec les marins ; les agents ont besoin de faire le point : ils ont trouvé le meurtrier et l’endroit du meurtre, mais pas la drogue. Deeks leur apprend l’histoire du frigo, qui tombe sans cesse en panne. Peut-être un sabotage, pour que la nourriture sente très fort et perturbe les chiens, qui n’ont rien trouvé par ici.  Sam renifle le mur : la peinture est fraiche. G se retourne. Il sort un couteau, gratte la paroi, et met le nez dans la poudre qui s’est décollée.  Mystère résolue. Les types étaient vraiment inventifs, peindre des murs avec de la cocaïne !

Sam reçoit un message, s’éloigne, et pousse un juron ! Callen blêmit. Il s’approche – Sam lui confirme qu’il s’agit de Michelle. Il sourit, mais G ne voit pas ce sourire, et demande d’une voix blanche si tout va bien. Sam rigole : Michelle vient juste de rentrer de chez une amie où elles devaient confectionner des costumes pour les enfants. Il avait totalement oublié le spectacle de Noël. Rassuré, G lui rappelle que la mémoire est ce qui fout le camp en premier...

Le fin mot de l’histoire leur est donné par Eric, dans le bureau : le civil avait remporté le marché de l’approvisionnement du navire en étant beaucoup moins cher que tout le monde- forcément, il pouvait perdre de l’argent sur la fourniture des denrées puisqu’il faisait transporter sa drogue. La peinture, une sorte de chlorhydrate de cocaïne ne permettait pas aux chiens de la découvrir.  Mais le plan astucieux n’avait pas pris en compte le risque de contamination des denrées, exposant tout l’équipage au danger potentiel. Le mélange aurait pu être mortel ; ou produire des modifications de comportement comme celle de Brown. Preuve pour G que manger sain et à la fois ennuyeux et dangereux ! Un dispositif de surveillance du container devrait permettre de coincer les dealers une fois au Japon.

La mission étant terminée, ils vont pouvoir rentrer. Eric a d’ailleurs retenu leurs places dans le prochain vol...celui du 27 décembre. Il n’a rien pu trouver avant. G se tourne vers Sam, Hetty va forcément leur arranger le coup. Seulement la boss est déjà partie en vacances ; juste après la conclusion de l’enquête- mais cela ne leur est d’aucune consolation. G félicite quand même Eric pour le bon boulot qu’il a fait- le reste  n’est pas de sa faute.

Sam, Callen et Kensi se retrouvent dans le réfectoire décoré ; ils accusent le coup. Deeks les rejoints, content d’avoir au-moins démontré son talent de détective. Brown passe les remercier, quand le commandant en second entre  à son tour. Il accompagne un visiteur en tenue de vol ; non, une visiteuse : Hetty ! Elle se tourne vers Sam : le jet qui vient de la déposer l’attend pour le ramener à Los Angeles. En partant tout de suite, il sera à temps en famille pour Noël. L’agent est tellement heureux qu’il la soulève de terre et lui fait une énorme bise. Puis il se sauve, pendant que les autre, contents pour lui, se dispose à réveillonner avec Hetty.

L’humeur est moins belle au QG où Eric erre comme une âme en peine, tout seul. L’apparition de Nell en lutin (avec les oreilles et les collants) le laisse bouche bée : elle est à croquer. D’ailleurs c’est elle qui le croque, en lui donnant un long baiser sur la bouche.

Il s’en étonne, elle lui montre le gui, juste au-dessus d’eux. Puis elle lui souhaite un joyeux Noël, et commence à partir ; ils se reverront l’année prochaine. Eric la rappelle : il court chercher ses collants ! Elle lui glisse malicieusement de ne pas oublier ses oreilles...

                                           ------------- FIN -----------

 

[An aircraft carrier is cruising somewhere in high sea. Staff members are at the canteen (there’s indistinct conversation, holiday music is playing).]

MAN: Get the hell off me!

[A petty officer throws himself at a marine and knocks him down the floor; they fight, onlookers are shouting, both men grunt. Fellow guys pull them apart]

MAN1: Get up! Stand up! Stand up. Stand up.

MAN2: Stand up. Come on!

MAN: Let go of me!

MAN1: stand up! Hey!

 

[On the main deck, a jet engine is whining; the jet takes off. 2 marines go down a ladder]

BROWN: I don't care how you do it. Issue a shipwide announcement if you have to. Just find him.

MAN: Aye, Master Chief.

[He leaves the Master Chief who spots the officer coming]

BROWN: Officer on deck.

OFFICER: As you were. With me, Chief.

[They walk]

KELLY: I understand we had a situation in the Enlisted Galley this morning.

BROWN: I'm sure they were just letting off a little steam, sir. The crew's probably a little stressed from the extended mission.

KELLY: Oh, you and I both know that's no excuse, Master Chief. If they're stressed now, what the hell are they going to be like in a combat situation? I want to read the NCIS report.

BROWN: That makes two of us, sir. We still can't find the Special Agent Afloat.

KELLY: Find him.

 

[A Marine is searching the ship]

MAN [over P.A.]: Would NCIS Special Agent Afloat Niles please contact the watch commander?

[The Marine stops dead: a man is lying at the bottom of a ladder- his head has a bloody wound …]

 

                     ♫ ♫ NCIS: LA 4x10 ♫ ♫ Free Ride ♫ ♫

                 ♫ ♫ Original Air Date on December 18, 2012 ♫ ♫

 

[♫ Hetty is at the office and hears bells behind a door; she opens it: ♫ Nell, laughing, is with Eric, helping him putting an elf hat with bells tinkling on his head.]

NELL: What's wrong with your hat? I don't get it.

[Both look embarrassed]

ERIC: Hetty, I-I can explain. Uh...

NELL: Actually, no, this is my fault. I asked Eric to help me out with the Toys for Tots program I'm doing for the Marine Corps, and, well, I thought it would be fun for the kids if we were dressed up.

HETTY: Yes. It sounds wonderful. But I'm afraid it'll have to wait. We've lost one of our own. Rally the troops.

[They start leaving the room]

HETTY: Mr. Beale? You have, um, elf head.

[Eric combs his hair with his fingers]

 

[Kensi is decorating the Christmas palm tree; Deeks watches her]

DEEKS: So, Christmas is less than a week away. One of the very few holidays we get off, if we're lucky. And you have no plans?

KENSI: Nope.

DEEKS: Swear?

KENSI: Yes.

DEEKS: Perfect.

KENSI: No.

DEEKS: Yes!

KENSI: No, no, no-no, because I have chosen not to do anything. It was not by default. I have made a conscious choice not to do anything on Christmas.

DEEKS: Also known as step one to become the crazy lady with 30 cats. Kensi, think about this. Lake Tahoe. Ski-in, ski-out cabin. Six feet of fresh powder. Snowboarding during day, roaring fire at night.

KENSI: I don't think so.

DEEKS: Do you suck?

KENSI: Excuse me?

DEEKS: At snowboarding? I just know it takes a lot of coordination. Maybe we could get you, like, a toboggan.

KENSI: I can snowboard.

DEEKS: They have a bunny hill.

KENSI: I don't need a bunny hill.

DEEKS: What are you so afraid of?

KENSI: I'm not afraid of anything. I could kick your ass anytime, anywhere. This [Her body]...double-black-diamond rated.

DEEKS: There is no doubt in my mind that that is double-black-diamond rated.

KENSI: Plus, I told my mom I'd spend Christmas with her.

DEEKS: Well, then, she should come. It's a three-bedroom cabin. Two of which are connected.

KENSI: Don't even think about it.

DEEKS: For your mom.

KENSI: Ew!

DEEKS: And you, so you guys could have adjoining rooms.  What are you thinking?

KENSI: Nothing.

DEEKS: I bet you were.

[Kensi sighs]

KENSI: It might actually be nice to give my mom a little vacation.

DEEKS: And what's better than a white Christmas? Just the three of us, hanging out... sipping hot cocoa, watching the snow fall on the cedars. From the hot tub.

KENSI: Oh! You had to go there.

DEEKS: What? She's a stone-cold fox.

KENSI: You ruined it!

DEEKS: I didn't. I made it better. Didn't I, Nell?

[Nell is hurrying toward them]

NELL: Hetty needs you guys up in Ops.

KENSI: Great.

 

[Armory; Sam is sitting in a chair while Sam rummages a bag. Nell enters]

NELL: Hetty needs you guys up in Ops.

SAM: Okay, we'll be right there.

NELL: Can I help you with something?

CALLEN: You could, if he knew what he was looking for or where he put it.

[Sam sighs]

SAM: I didn't want to go through that whole Parker Pony thing like I did last year, so I asked my daughter what she wanted for Christmas in June, and then I went out to buy it right away.

CALLEN: He hid it so she wouldn't find it. Of course, as we know, the memory is the first to go.

[Sam is pissed off, he throws the bag into G’s arms]

SAM: I think it had something to do with Harry Potter.

NELL: A wand?

SAM: No.

CALLEN: How about an owl?

SAM: No.

CALLEN: No?

NELL: A sorting hat?

SAM: A what?

CALLEN: A broom?

SAM: You're not helping.

CALLEN: Eh, I'm not really trying.

 

[OPS center.]

CALLEN: Who we looking at, Eric?

ERIC: Jason Niles was the NCIS Special Agent Afloat on the USS Van Buren. He was discovered dead yesterday. Cause of death was blunt force trauma, either from a fall or a deliberate bludgeoning.

CALLEN: Any witnesses?

ERIC: No.

SAM: Suspects?

NELL: Possibly one. Petty Officer Simon Allen is an intelligence specialist. Now, according to Agent Niles's last report, he was keeping an eye on Petty Officer Allen for "erratic behavior."

DEEKS: What does that mean?

ERIC: Well, he doesn't specify in his log but Petty Officer Allen is currently in the brig following an altercation with a Marine staff sergeant on the same morning that the body was found.

SAM: What were they fighting about?

ERIC: Not sure. But both men tested positive for cocaine use.

CALLEN: Where's the Van Buren now?

NELL: It's on its way to the Sea of Japan to keep North Korea in line.

DEEKS: So then, what are we supposed to do?

HETTY: What you do best. Solve the crime. I've already arranged for you all to be flown out to the ship. Christmas is going to have to wait.

[Sam cannot help but wince]

                           -------------------- ZAPPING ------------------- 

[Kensi appears – in uniform]

DEEKS: Wow. Hello, sailor.

KENSI: I'm a Marine major.

DEEKS: You're a major hotty.

[Sam joins them, in uniform too]

DEEKS: Oh. Those are some cool costumes.

SAM: Uniform. They're not costumes, Deeks. We're going in as crew members, and Callen's going in as the replacement for the NCIS Agent Afloat.

DEEKS: Mm-hmm. So what's my cover?

KENSI: You, my friend, are a civilian contractor doing a computer upgrade.

DEEKS: A geek? This is all I get? This, like, clipboard?

SAM: There are over 5,000 people on board. Going in as different elements of the crew will allow us to cover more ground.

DEEKS: Mm-hmm. Just for the record, this is a gross misuse of my undercover talents.

HETTY: Well, if you truly feel that way, Mr. Deeks, you can go in as a Marine, as well.

DEEKS: All right.

HETTY: Just let me get my clippers.

DEEKS: What? Clippers?

KENSI: Ooh, you're gonna look so good with a high and tight.

DEEKS: No, no. No, no, no, no, wait. Just got to do a little, uh, sense memory work for my undercover character, you know. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather. Acting, ha!

[Callen hails them]

CALLEN: Chopper's here to take us to Coronado.

[Sam sighs and moves slowly]

CALLEN: I know that look.

SAM: You're starting to sound like my wife. You know what they say when your partner starts sounding like your wife?

CALLEN: Get a new wife?

SAM: I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.

CALLEN: See, that's the problem right there. You and I don't talk. Communication goes, the relationship is soon to follow.

SAM: Almost finished?

CALLEN: Just about. Look, I know you want to be home for Christmas.

SAM: I've missed Christmas, graduations, birthdays and everything else doing what we do.

CALLEN: Then what is it?

[They stop – see the mistletoe above them- step forwards]

SAM: Sidorov. What if he comes back while we're away?

CALLEN: Then Michelle will do what she has to do. Same is if you were here.

SAM: Yeah. But I won't be.

CALLEN: Then we'll make this quick. Besides, I guarantee you, Sidorov isn't showing up here anytime soon.

SAM: How can you be so sure?

CALLEN: Criminals take Christmas off just like the rest of us. Even the bad guys don't like being on the naughty list.

 

[Sam, Deeks, Callen and Kensi are sitting in the plane taking off]

DEEKS: The Navy has a budget of $155 billion, and this is the plane that they use?

SAM: C2 Greyhound--workhorse of the sea.

DEEKS: Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, this horse needs to be sent to the glue factory.

SAM: It's probably the safest plane you'll ever fly in.

DEEKS: Th-This is the safe... Really? Okay, explain to me, then, why we're wearing helmets and life preservers. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only time to wear a life preserver is in the event of a water landing. So tell me, do they know something that we don't know?

KENSI: There is nothing to be afraid of, Deeks.

DEEKS: What? I'm not. I have hardened nerves of steel. I just think it's a little disconcerting the back of the plane opens like my garage door. It's like a flying tool shed.

CALLEN: Deeks?

DEEKS: Yeah?

CALLEN: I'm trying to sleep here.

DEEKS: Okay. Well, I'll be sure to wake you up when we crash into the ocean.

KENSI: Hey, just try and relax, Maverick.

DEEKS: Huh? Did you hear that?

[He knocks Sam’s elbow]

DEEKS: I look a little Top Gun in this thing, don't I?...

 

[OPS center. Nell is looking gloom, absent-mindedly writing; Eric enters]

ERIC: Hey, I gathered a bunch of disciplinary reports from the last several months. Trying to find anyone who might have a grudge against Special Agent Niles.

NELL: That sounds good.

ERIC: You okay?

NELL: Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

ERIC: Nell? Nellie? Nellster...

[Nell has a quiet laugh]

NELL: It's just... I was really looking forward to the holiday party and the Secret Santa stuff. It's... it's stupid.

ERIC: I don't think so.

NELL: I'm so... I just get like this around the holidays. 'Cause I... I can't be home. And it's like these people we work with, they become...our surrogate family, and they're not here right now.

ERIC: They'll be back soon. And you know what, even if they're not, I promise that we will have a festive holiday celebration.

[Nell laughs]

ERIC: I mean, I've agreed to wear an elf hat, so...

NELL: And the ears?

ERIC: I'm sorry, the what?

NELL: You have to wear the elf ears.

ERIC: Um, I don't think I remember you saying anything about any...

NELL: Oh, come on.

ERIC: Hey, what's an elf without ears, right?

NELL: Exactly.

 

[The chopper is about to land on the ship]

MAN [over speakers]: Prepare for landing.

[Deeks is still worried…The plane lands softly]

DEEKS: Piece of cake! I don't know what you guys were so worried about.

 

[Inside the ship]

SMALLS: Welcome aboard the USS Van Buren, ma'am, sirs. I'm Petty Officer Smalls. Can I point you in the right direction, Commander?

SAM: No, I'm good, thanks.

SMALLS: Special Agent Callen, would you like to be taken to the NCIS office?

CALLEN: Actually, I'm headed to the brig first, but can find my way. Thanks.

SMALLS: You must be Mr. Colter, the data entry systems analyst.

DEEKS: Well, you say "day-ta," I say data--I say we split the difference and call it a date.

SMALLS: I'm the ship's civilian personnel liaison. I'll be your escort. Someone should be here to meet you momentarily, ma'am.

KENSI: Thank you.

DEEKS: Fantastic.

[He clears his throat and whispers for Kensi]

DEEKS: I don't know if you, uh, overheard that, but I have a, uh, escort.

[He clears his throat again]

KENSI: Fraternization is forbidden on board, Deeks.

DEEKS: Wow, jealous much?

MAN: Major Barret? Please excuse my tardiness, ma'am. I'm Lieutenant Abernathy. Welcome aboard.

KENSI: Thank you, Lieutenant.

[Deeks clears his throat again: Abernathy is a cute and athletic young guy…]

ABERNATHY: If you'll follow me, I'll show you to your berthing. You can get squared away before you muster on station.

KENSI: Yes.

DEEKS: So what, they found the missing link.

SMALLS: Are you coming, Mr. Colter?

DEEKS: Oh. Colter, no. Please call me Marty. And I should call you...?

SMALLS: Petty Officer Smalls will suffice, sir.

[Deeks chuckles]

DEEKS: All right.

 

[Interrogation room in the brig- Callen is with Allen and then Jefferie]

CALLEN: So, what were you and Staff Sergeant Jefferies fighting about?

ALLEN: I don't know, sir. It was stupid. I mean, you know what the Marines are like. "Oorah" this and "oorah" that. Sometimes it just gets a little tiresome and you have to stand up to them or else they walk around like they own the place.

CALLEN: You two have a history?

JEFFERIE: Absolutely not, sir. I couldn't pick him out of a lineup. He and his boys were lipping off, so I told them to shut it. Next think you know, he's tackling me. Guess he figured he had something to prove.

CALLEN: Did this fight have anything to do with cocaine?

JEFFERIE: I can't speak for Petty Officer Allen, but I did not, nor have I ever used cocaine.

CALLEN: Then how do you explain your drug test?

ALLEN: It must be a mistake, sir. I'd gladly be retested.

CALLEN: Oh, so you test negative now that it's out of your system?

JEFFERIE: It was never in my system, sir. I'm no angel, Agent Callen, but I'll take a lie detector to prove I'm no drug user. My father and my uncle were Marines. I would never disrespect this uniform, this ship or my family by doing something so stupid.

[Callen opens a file]

CALLEN: What's your relationship with the NCIS Special Agent Afloat Jason Niles?

JEFFERIE: I never even knew who he was until I heard he was reported dead.

ALLEN: Yeah, I-I only met him once. He intervened in an argument I was having a few days ago.

CALLEN: What was the argument about?

ALLEN: It was music. Some E3 was in the library listening to music with his headphones, but he had the tunes cranked so loud, it was bugging everybody.

CALLEN: Where were you yesterday prior to the...altercation in the galley?

JEFFERIE: Fire safety drills.

ALLEN: I had the morning watch.

CALLEN: Which ends at 8:00?

ALLEN: Yes, sir.

CALLEN: The fight took place just after 9:00, so what were you doing for the hour in-between?

ALLEN: Uh, usually I would jog around the deck, but flight operations were in full swing, so I just walked below deck.

CALLEN: Uh-huh. Why didn't you use the treadmills in the gym?

ALLEN: I always feel like a hamster on those things, sir.

CALLEN: Anyone see you?

ALLEN: Uh, yeah, sure, lots of people.

CALLEN: Anyone see you around the...zero-two-tack-one-eight-two-tack-six-tango section of the ship?

ALLEN: I-I can't be sure, sir. Where exactly is that?

CALLEN: Where the body was found.

[He shows the photo of the dead man’s head]

 

[Smalls shows a sign: 02-682-6-7/3-E]

SMALLS: The bull's-eyes tell you where you are Deck, frame, relation to centerline and compartment. Numbers increase as you go aft. Even numbers are port, odd numbers are starboard.

DEEKS: Starbucks?

SMALLS: S-Starboard.

DEEKS: No, I mean, is there a Starbucks on board? Or a Coffee Bean? Panda Express? T.G.I. Fridays? Froyo?

SMALLS: Enlisted Mess is on the second level. The Dirty Shirt Room, Wardroom One, is forward on the O3 level. Chief's Mess has the best food, but you have to be invited. If you'll follow me this way, Mr. Colter...

[While she was talking and leading the way, Deeks has turn on his left silently]

SMALLS: [In distance] Mr. Colter? Hello?

 

[Deeks opens the door and goes down the ladder of the crime scene; he sighs, grabs his phone, takes pics, and grunts when he lies on his back at the right place where the body was found – 2 petty officers saw him]

DEEKS: What's up there, sailors? Nothing to see here.

[They go away. Deeks spots something stuck at the bottom of a door]

DEEKS: What the...

[He takes a glove and picks up the little bit of something]

DEEKS: what?

MAN: What the hell are you doing?

DEEKS: Me? No. I was just...

[He chuckles]

DEEKS: I was just looking for the bathroom. I got lost coming around one of these corners. I found myself in the basement of the Titanic. Seriously, I think I just saw Kate Winslet. She was naked. You should check it... out.

[He walks forward like he wanted to leave but the guys block his way. He chuckles]

DEEKS: Hey, I see how this is--you guys, uh, want to haze the swabbie. Here's the problem--I'm a private contractor, which means you can't dress me up like a sea hag, or whatever it is you and your seaman buddy here do for fun.

[One of the man wants to punch his face but Deeks parries the blow and throws the guy down; they grunt; Marty at once punches the nose of the 2nd guy, but the 1st, already up, grabs his arms; some petty officers are looking at the fight; Sam appears – he waves to make them leave]

SAM: What the hell is going on in here?

LAMBERT: He was creeping around where we found that NCIS agent dead, sir. Sir, you know what they say about criminals, always returning to the scene of the crime.

DEEKS: Yeah, except for Matlock, I'm pretty sure no one actually says that.

[Sam punches his chest]

SAM: I'll take him from here.

[Deeks coughs, groans- the guys obey]

SAM: They're gone.

[Deeks is still in pain; he speaks quietly]

DEEKS: I just need...

SAM: Come on, Deeks, pull your skirt down-- I hardly hit you.

[Deeks laughs]

DEEKS:  I know, I was...I was just in character. It's fine. I'm fine.

SAM: You've been on the ship less than an hour, and you're already in trouble.

DEEKS: Yeah, I know, but I found evidence. Special Agent Niles was killed on a different part of the ship, and then his body was dragged here.

 

                           -------------------- ZAPPING -------------------

[On board, into an office: Nell and Eric are briefing G from the OPS via video- Sam and Deeks are listening]

NELL: These are the sailors who attacked Deeks. Both men have had minor incidents while on shore leave, but both occurred before Agent Niles was assigned to their vessel.

CALLEN: Does either man have a connection with Special Agent Niles?

ERIC: Nothing we've found so far. Neither one was noted in any of Niles' files.

NELL: However, one of the men, Petty Officer Lambert, worked in Intelligence with Petty Officer Allen.

CALLEN: All right. See if there's any other dots to connect.

ERIC: On it.

[They cut the communication off. G looks at his partner]

SAM: So Deeks thinks Special Agent Niles was killed elsewhere on the ship and then dumped where his body was found.

DEEKS: The body showed signs of massive blunt-force trauma with a distinctive wound pattern, but there is nothing in the area where we found him that would account for that sort of injury.

CALLEN: Well, it could've been done by the weapon the killer used or some other piece of equipment he had on.

DEEKS: Except for the fact...that I found this.

[He pulls out a plastic bag]

CALLEN: What is it?

DEEKS: That, my friend, is spinach, or Swiss chard, possibly kale--but I think it's spinach because I nibbled it a little bit and it tasted like spinach.

SAM: Let me see that.

DEEKS: It's called detective work, boys.

SAM: Yeah, I see where you're going with this. Popeye ate spinach, Popeye was a sailor, so...we're looking for a crew member with giant forearms, smoking a pipe.

DEEKS: Why, I oughta...

CALLEN: It could've come off anyone's shoe. Could' fallen out of the trash.

DEEKS: That's true, except for--wait for it--this.

[He puts a map of the ship onto the screen]

DEEKS: [quietly] One and... two. Okay. Wardroom, messes. This...is where we found the body.

SAM: It's the other side of the ship.

DEEKS: Uh-huh, exactly. So if you think about all the passageways and the ladders, it would be almost impossible for this to get from one side of the ship to the other...without being scraped off somebody's boot.

CALLEN: It would be improbable, but not impossible.

SAM: What's impossible is to kill somebody in the galley, then drag the corpse through the entire ship without being seen.

CALLEN: Mm-hmm. How do you account for that?

DEEKS: I don't have to account for that--I'm the one that found the spinach. What'd you guys find, huh? More importantly, what did Kensi find?

SAM: Oh. Kensi found something.

CALLEN: Mm-hmm.

SAM: Yeah. Six-two and looks like a male model.

CALLEN: That's right.

DEEKS: What? That guy? That guy's not her type. He's a Marine. Really?

CALLEN: Her father was a Marine.

SAM: Girls love their daddies.

CALLEN: Yep.

SAM: Oorah.

[Deeks chuckles]

DEEKS: Okay. Good talk.

 

[Kensi is walking with the marine]

KENSI: Do you know Staff Sergeant Jefferies? He's serving aboard.

ABERNATHY: I know of him, ma'am. Why?

KENSI: Oh, we're just from the same hometown and have mutual family friends. I was hoping to say hello. But, uh, I hear he's in the brig.

ABERNATHY: I think he and one of the crew got into a scuffle.

KENSI: That doesn't sound like the Jefferies I remember.

ABERNATHY: I'm sure it was nothing serious, ma'am. By the end of a long deployment everybody's ready to get off this ship, and having our mission suddenly extended seemed to shorten everyone's fuse.

[They hear a man yelling- he’s crashing everything around with a monkey wrench- This is the master chief Brown – he’s enraged, and try to hit people as well]

ABERNATHY: Easy! Master Chief! Master Chief.

[Brown has a distorted grunt- people and things are distorted around him- he tries to hit Abernathy]

KENSI: Let's talk about this!

[Brown rushes against her- she barely avoids the wrench. Abernathy grabs a phone]

ABERNATHY: I need a security force to the ready room.

[Brown crashes the phone]

BROWN: Come on!

[He grunts when Kensi grabs the wrench and his arm from behind- Abernathy helps her pushing Brown face onto the floor]

KENSI: Down!

ABERNATHY: I need a security force down here!

[A petty officer wants to takes the wrench away]

KENSI: Don't touch that! It's evidence! Don't touch it!

 

[Later in the office: Sam has the wrench wrapped in plastic in the hands]

SAM: The lab tested it. No signs of Niles' hair, blood, DNA, nothing.

KENSI: They could've wiped it clean.

SAM: Yeah, it also doesn't match his head wound. How's the master chief doing?

KENSI: Still a little out of it.

SAM: What the hell happened?

KENSI: The senior medical officer believes that his altered mental state was caused by...cocaine toxicity.

 

[On the desk]

KELLY: You're way out of line, Mr. Callen.

CALLEN: It's "Special Agent Callen""

KELLY: I've known the master chief for years. I'll take his word over yours any day.

CALLEN: How about the word of your chief medical officer? Drug tests don't lie.

KELLY: No, but they can be wrong.

CALLEN: Then how do you explain your master chief attacking crew members with a wrench?! With all due respect, sir, your ship has a serious drug problem.

KELLY: Oh, so first you try and tell me I got a killer on board, and now a bunch of drug addicts.

CALLEN: I'm not trying to tell you anything. The evidence...

KELLY: Agent Niles could have fallen down and hit his head, for all I know! All you have are allegations, and if you're gonna keep making 'em, you sure as hell better have something to back 'em up. Aircraft carrier is one of the most dangerous places on the planet, especially if you're careless or stupid. Now, you seem relatively smart for a civilian, so I'd suggest you be careful.

[And he leaves G…]

 

[By night on board; secret meeting between Sam, Kensi, Deeks and G- they speak quietly]

SAM: Sorry I'm late; I got hung up. How'd you make out with the XO?

CALLEN: Not as well as I'd hoped-- he basically threatened me.

KENSI: You think he's involved?

SAM: Nah, I doubt it. Can't blame the XO for his behavior. Everyone on board is a reflection on him. His career's on the line.

KENSI: Somebody smuggled the drugs on board and is now dealing. NCIS Agent Afloat Niles obviously came close to finding out who that is, and it got him killed.

DEEKS: It sounds like we got to lean on those that tested positive.

CALLEN: Both of them denied using.

KENSI: Well, they usually do.

SAM: We need to search the ship.

DEEKS: You want to search this? That's like searching Cleveland. This place is huge.

SAM: I didn't say it would be easy. But the act alone might force whoever's behind this to get nervous and make a mistake.

KENSI: Okay. I'll ask to be assigned to the security search force.

SAM: I'll keep digging through the 4,000-plus crew.

CALLEN: If I let those in custody think we're getting close to finding the source, they may start talking to cut a deal first.

DEEKS: I'll keep working my lead.

KENSI: What's your lead?

DEEKS: Funny you should ask.

[He clears his throat and pulls out the spinach in the plastic bag]

KENSI: What's this?

DEEKS: That right there is a little trace evidence I found at the crime scene.

CALLEN: Spinach.

DEEKS: Or as I like to call it, "forensic botany."

SAM: No, it's called spinach.

DEEKS: [whispering] Whatever.

CALLEN: It's difficult to stay in touch on the ship, so it's gonna be extra hard to cover each other's back. Let's be extra careful. We already lost one NCIS agent.

 

                           -------------------- ZAPPING -------------------

 

[The ship is searched; Kensi is with Abernathy]

KENSI: I'm gonna need you to level with me, Lieutenant. Is drug use a common problem on this ship?

ABERNATHY: Not that I'm aware of, Major. The skipper runs a tight ship, and dope's a serious violation.

KENSI: Well, how hard can it be to sneak a little cocaine onto a ship this size?

ABERNATHY: We only do random searches around the clock, especially on those people returning from liberty.

KENSI: Okay. How would you explain what's happening?

ABERNATHY: Wish I had an answer, Major, especially for the master chief. He's probably one of the most squared-away sailors I've ever met.

[He stops dead, clears his throat softly; Kensi faces him]

KENSI: What is it, Lieutenant?

ABERNATHY: Nothing, ma'am.

KENSI: I told you to level with me--that's an order.

ABERNATHY: I did, ma'am.

KENSI: If you're hiding something from me...

ABERNATHY: I-I'm not,ma'am, it's just...

[He clears his throat again, embarrassed]

ABERNATHY: Please, uh, don't take this the wrong way, Major, but you don't seem like a very...I mean, you do, and you don't…and I am just way out of line-- I'm sorry.

[She pats his chest]

KENSI: Relax.

[Deeks was just in the hallway opposite and spots her; he bangs his head]

DEEKS: Ow!

SMALLS: Watch your head, sir.

DEEKS: Yeah, that's, uh...why they call it "forewarning" there, Smalls.

[Kensi sees him and puts her both hands in her back]

 

[Ship brig; Brown is cuffed to the table]

BROWN: These really necessary, sir?

CALLEN: you tell me. First rule of behavioral analysis is that the best predictor of future violence is past violence. You have no history of violence. Care to explain?

BROWN: I've always taken full responsibility for my actions and those who serve under me. But I got to be honest with you, sir. I have no idea what happened.

CALLEN: Medical report says it was a cocaine-induced psychosis.

BROWN: That's-that's just not possible, sir.

CALLEN: You sure about that, Master Chief? Because if it wasn't the drugs, how do you explain attacking several crew members and two officers with a wrench?

BROWN: I can't.

CALLEN: You trying to silence your dealer before we found him out?

BROWN: No.

CALLEN: Let me see your arms.

[He checks both arms]

CALLEN: Put your head back.

BROWN: You can check between my toes, my gums, anywhere you like, you're not gonna find anything. I have to set an example for the men and women on this ship, and I do. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't do drugs. Hell, I don't even eat red meat.

CALLEN: Do you have any enemies on this ship?

BROWN: I'd like to think not. The average age of the crew member on this ship is 19 years old. It's my job to help train them to operate the most powerful weapon in the world. That takes discipline and responsibility. And yes...sometimes there is friction.

CALLEN: Enough that one or more of them would want to see you busted for drug use, maybe even OD?

 

[OPS center. Nell puts a gift on the table]

ERIC: It's a little early for Secret Santa, isn't it?

NELL: Open it.

ERIC: Okay.

NELL: Uh-huh.

[Eric’s smile vanishes: he stares at flashing green leggings; Nell sighs, pleased]

ERIC: No.

[Nell frowns]

ERIC: No, no. This was not part of our deal. You never said anything about...panty hose.

NELL: Okay, they're leggings, not panty hose, and it's part of your costume.

ERIC: What it is, is a death sentence if Callen, Sam or Deeks ever saw me wearing them.

NELL: It's gonna be fun.

ERIC: Wha...No. I am all for helping children, but...I'm sorry, I cannot do this. I can't do it. I'm sorry.

[He starts typing again]

NELL: You wear polar bear and Spiderman pajamas.

ERIC: Spiderman is cool, and polar bear... It's different, okay? I-I wear those in the privacy of my own home. People are going to see me in this. There will be kids and the taking of pictures, and next thing I know it'll be on Facebook, and then...and then...and then a video on YouTube, then it goes viral, then they start playing it on a loop on the big screen, and, oh, my God, Sam is calling me Elfie McBeal...

NELL: Okay, you know what? You don't have to wear it. Forget it.

[She walks out]

ERIC: Wai...

[He sighs]

 

[On board. G is in his office. Sam comes in]

CALLEN: What now?

[Sam sighs]

SAM: Two pilots were scrubbed from flight operations this morning...due to "illness""

CALLEN: Cocaine?

SAM: Haven't heard yet, but the scuttlebutt around the ship is that flight operations might be suspended. You get anything from the chief?

CALLEN: Nothing but denial. I got to say, I believe him. This guy's service record's cleaner than yours or mine. Well...definitely mine. You think a disgruntled sailor could be trying to set him up?

SAM: Possibly. Doesn't explain the pilots. Uncle Sam spends millions to train these guys. They bust their asses to get a chance to do this. They're the best of the best.

CALLEN: Everyone I've questioned has been exemplary. And none of them have asked for a JAG lawyer. They all seem more concerned about their careers than anything else.

SAM: Exactly like the XO.

CALLEN: Not what you would expect from someone who knows they're guilty.

SAM: Nope.

CALLEN: Do you think someone could have unknowingly drugged them? Could they be trying to sabotage the ship and her mission?

SAM: The flight operations are grounded--they've already succeeded…There's something else. I can't reach my wife.

 

[In the ship. Sailors who attacked Deeks are working on a switchboard- their chief is here]

MAN [over P.A.]: ...safety team to the ordnance elevator. On the double.

[Deeks has a low whistle]

DEEKS: Well, ahoy, mateys.

MAN: Can we help you?

DEEKS: Yeah, I'm just looking for the ship's stores.

MAN: Well, you're looking at them.

LAMBERT: Thought you would've learned your lesson about snooping around.

[Deeks chuckles]

DEEKS: Keep it up, you're gonna end up in sickbay, like your buddy. What's that? Oh, yeah, you guys didn't stick around long enough to see me kick his ass, did you?

MAN: Hold on, guys, I don't know what's going on here, but if we don't get this thing up and going again, you're all gonna be eating salmonella salad.

LAMBERT: Yeah, well, if the damn thing wouldn't keep breaking down, then we wouldn't have to keep fixing it.

DEEKS: What seems to be the problem?

MAN: No problem--we just had a faulty refrigeration unit, that's all. They flew another one in.

DEEKS: Uh-huh. I think I shared a seat with it. All right, well, listen, I'm gonna take a look around if nobody has a problem with that. You two? Show of hands? Okay.

[Lambert sighs and goes back to work]

 

[Deeks is in the stores]

DEEKS: Looks like we got it: Colonel Mustard, on the ship......with a pipe valve.

[He takes his phone, looks at Niles’ head wound]

DEEKS: Wow, wouldn't want my head smashed into that.

[He whistles, takes a pic, is about to send it when footsteps approach and someone grabs his neck; Deeks grunts, gasps and faints. He lies on the ground]

 

                           -------------------- ZAPPING -------------------

 

[Sam is pacing up and down in the office]

SAM: How long does it take Eric to send a damn car to my house?

CALLEN: Maybe she wasn't home?

SAM: Then, where is she?

CALLEN: Sam...If Sidorov was back in the country, we would know. The minute he contacts Michelle, bells go off with us and the CIA.

ERIC: Guys.

[He pops up on the screen]

SAM: You find her?

ERIC: Not yet, but initial forensics suggest we got a match.

CALLEN: Match for what?

ERIC: The photo that Deeks sent. It matches the head wound that killed Agent Niles.

SAM: Deeks found the murder weapon?

ERIC: Looks that way. Some sort of pipe valve.

CALLEN: Where?

ERIC: I don't know. He hasn't answered my last few e-mails.

SAM: If Deeks found the murder site, he could have found the thing that got Agent Niles killed.

CALLEN: Can you determine where on the ship the photos were taken?

ERIC: It'll be tough since the paint schematics are uniform throughout the ship, but I'll cross-reference with the plumbing schematics, see what I find.

CALLEN: Alert Kensi, you call us, you find anything else.

ERIC: Got it.

 

[Sam and G are walking in the hallways]

SAM: If you wanted to poison the crew, you only have a few options: air, water, food, or some sort of surface contact.

CALLEN: If Deeks was following up on his spinach clue, he was probably snooping around the food stores on the ship.

SAM: Nobody knows the ship better than the command master chief. He could pinpoint the location.

CALLEN: All right, I'll show him the photo. You find Kens.

 

[Callen is at the brig; he speaks to a guard]

CALLEN: Open it.

GUARD: Sir.

CALLEN: You know where this is?

BROWN: It's a main steam valve. They're all over the ship.

CALLEN: In food stores?

BROWN: Yes, sir.

CALLEN: Show me.

[They leave the brig]

 

[In toilets, dogs are searching –there’s indistinct announcement over P.A. Kensi’s phone chimes: it’s a text message from Sam “Deeks could be in trouble”]

KENSI: You got this?

ABERNATHY: Yes, ma'am.

[She goes away; he stays alone]

 

BROWN: Make way! Coming through!

[Sam is walking- Kensi hails him]

KENSI: Hey, what the hell's going on?

SAM: Deeks found the murder weapon, but now we can't reach him.

MAN [over P.A.]: Would Commander Hanna and Major Barret please report to zero-two-tack-one-four-four- tack-seven-Lima compartment?

SAM: This way.

 

[Brown has reached the pipe valves in the stores]

BROWN: Is this what you're looking for?

CALLEN: It's consistent with the photos of the victim's wounds.

[Sam and Kensi join them]

KENSI: Callen? Did you find him?

CALLEN: No, but I think we're in the right spot.

KENSI: Deeks?

[Lambert and his partner are leaving the stores]

SAM: Hey... you boys see the guy you were beating up on yesterday?

LAMBERT: The guy who kicked your ass, sir?

SAM: He what?

KENSI: Do you see where he went?

LAMBERT: He was snooping around here a few minutes ago.

[The man who was with them is just pushing a trash]

CALLEN: Hey, hold up a second. Yo, with the trash!

[But the man starts running; the trash falls open: Deeks is inside]

KENSI: Go, go! I got it. I got it. I got it.

SAM: Federal agents!

KENSI: Deeks...

[He has tapes on the mouth, hands tied]

 

[The agents chase the man; they split- the man shoots at them. They see him hiding; the wall is round, so G shoots and his bullet hits the guy’s arm. He yells. Sam hits him in the chest]

SAM: Shooter's down, G.

CALLEN: Like that little bank shot, huh? Little eight ball, corner pocket?

SAM: Yeah, I taught you that.

CALLEN: You didn't teach me that.

SAM: I definitely taught you that.

[G scoffs]

SAM: You say my memory's going!

[He chuckles]

 

[Deeks, Kensi and Brown are walking towards the others with Lambert and his buddy]

DEEKS: I know it's needless to say, but I'm gonna say it anyway. Thank you.

KENSI: Couldn't let him throw away a perfectly good partner.

DEEKS: Did you get him?

CALLEN: Yep.

KENSI: Is he talking?

CALLEN: Not so much; he's dead.

SAM: Master Chief, could you secure the body?

BROWN: Yes, sir. You here and you with me. Come on.

KENSI: Okay, so we know where they killed Agent Niles, but still no drugs.

DEEKS: Well, it seems like somebody's been sabotaging the refrigeration unit on these storage containers.

KENSI: K-9s already searched that area.

DEEKS: Maybe they were sabotaging the refrigeration unit so the food would spoil, you know? The smell would throw off the dogs.

SAM: It's not that easy.

[He wipes the wall with his finger and smells it)

SAM: Fresh paint.

[G pulls out a knife and scrapes the paint]

DEEKS: What?

KENSI: It's in the paint? Wow, they're good.

DEEKS: You got to be kidding me.

[Sam’s phone beeps]

CALLEN: They're really good.

[Sam takes his message]

SAM: Damn.

[G worries at once]

CALLEN: Sam?

SAM: It's Michelle.

[G can’t see he’s smiling; he’s apprehensive about asking…]

CALLEN: Everything all right?

SAM: She was at a friend's house finishing up costumes for the kids' play. Totally forgot about the Christmas pageant.

CALLEN: What'd I tell you?

SAM: You said she'd be all right.

CALLEN: I also said the memory is the first to go.

[Sam sighs]

CALLEN: I said it!

 

[Later, Deeks, Kensi, Sam and G are in the office, on board, listening to Eric briefing them from the LA office]

ERIC: Leonard Wall is a produce supplier who recently won a Navy contract by significantly underbidding everyone else.

CALLEN: He could afford to lose money on the produce because he was using the Navy to transport his drugs.

SAM: The ship's lab confirmed that the paint in the container was, like, a highly concentrated cocaine- hydrochloride mixture. Drug dogs can't smell it.

KENSI: Yeah, it was a pretty good plan, but what he did not consider was that the coke mixture would leach into the produce. All crew members were potentially exposed.

CALLEN: Cocaine toxicity can be potentially lethal, can also cause severe behavioral changes like we saw in the master chief, which proves my theory that eating healthy is not only boring, it's downright dangerous.

ERIC: Uh, Hetty has arranged an NCIS Red Team in Okinawa to meet the ship and surreptitiously track the container when it's off-loaded in Japan, so that we can intercept the drugs at their final destination.

KENSI: So it looks like we're going home.

[Eric hesitates]

KENSI: Right, Eric?

ERIC: Uh, absolutely. I've already processed your travel orders.

SAM: When?

ERIC: I'd say, uh, about an hour ago.

SAM: When are we leaving?

ERIC: Look, guys, uh, in the spirit of the season, please don't hate me. I tried everything, I called in every favor I could, but the earliest I can get you guys all home to Los Angeles is...December 27.

KENSI: What?

DEEKS: What, no, n-n-no snow, no hot tub?

CALLEN: Hetty can pull some strings.

ERIC: She's already left for the break.

DEEKS: I'm sorry, she abandoned us at sea?

ERIC: You know, if it's any consolation, she waited until the case was wrapped and knew you were all safe before she left.

SAM: Why is it that, every time you ask if it's any consolation, it's not.

CALLEN: Eric, don't sweat it. We know you worked hard-- enjoy your holidays.

ERIC: Thanks, guys. You, too. And, again, I'm really sorry.

[Deeks makes whooshing sound]

 

[The galley is decorated; the agents are sitting at table, looking gloom. Deeks joins them]

DEEKS: Well, y'all mocked my forensic botany, but in the end...

CALLEN: Your spinach played a vital role.

DEEKS: Thank you, thank you for that. Was that so, uh, so hard, huh? Actually, don't beat yourself up too much. After all, I am the only person here that's an actual detective.

SAM: That's because we're special agents.

DEEKS: Yeah, well, where I grew up, "special" meant that you took the short bus and wore a helmet in the sandbox.

SAM: That's almost as funny as you telling those two sailors you kicked my ass.

[Kensi laughs]

KENSI: Really? You said that?

DEEKS: I didn't; my undercover character did.

KENSI: Right.

CALLEN: Ah.

BROWN: Gentlemen, ma'am...

[They get up]

BROWN: I want to thank you for everything you've done for the ship, the crew and...especially myself.

CALLEN: It's our pleasure, Command Master Chief.

BROWN: I'm sorry that this has adversely affected your holiday plans with your family, but, uh, at least you can have some eggnog and Christmas dinner. The cook staff pulls out all the stops for the holidays.

DEEKS: That sounds fantastic. Thank you, sir.

KENSI: Thank you very much.

BROWN: Thank you. Officer on deck.

OFFICER: As you were.

[The XO leads the way to a newcomer- in flight uniform]

KENSI: Hetty?!

HETTY: Merry Christmas.

[Callen chuckles]

CALLEN: What?

KENSI: We thought you were on vacation.

HETTY: I was on my way to Macao for the holidays and I decided to make a pit stop here. There is an F-18 Super Hornet up on deck for a return flight to Coronado. The backseat is empty, Mr. Hanna. If you were to leave right now, you could make it home by Christmas morning.

SAM: For real?

HETTY: Have I ever lied to you?

SAM: Oh, whoa! I love you, Hetty.

[He raises her in his arms, carrying her in a giant hug]

KENSI: Oh.

[He kisses her cheek]

SAM: Mwah!

HETTY: Uh...

[The others laugh]

HETTY: Now put me down...

[They laugh again -Sam looks at the XO]

SAM: Thank you, sir.

CALLEN: Get out of here already.

SAM: Merry Christmas.

[He runs away]

HETTY: Merry Christmas, indeed.

ALL: Merry Christmas.

DEEKS: Bye, Sam!

HETTY: Now, who's got the eggnog?

 

[Eric is alone in the office; he walks slowly, bored and sad, looks around]

ERIC: quietly): Merry Christmas.

[He hears bells jingling: Nell-elf is here, wearing panty and ears but looking handsome]

ERIC: Whoa, you look...

NELL: Elfin?

ERIC: Elfin amazing.

[He laughs]

ERIC: I don't know what to say.

NELL: Well, I believe the traditional greeting is "Merry Christmas"--"Happy holidays" if you're feeling politically correct.

[She kisses him]

ERIC: What was... that?

[Nell looks at the mistletoe over their heads; both chuckle]

NELL: Uh, I hope you have a really nice holiday and I will...see you next year.

ERIC: Hey, hey, wait, you know what? I'm just gonna go get my tights.

NELL: They're called leggings.

[Screen becomes dark]

NELL: Oh, and don't forget your ears.

                                                ----------- The end ----------